Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Our Smallest Angel

Yesterday had to be one of the worst days of my life. Not even a month ago, we found out we were was a joyous time filled with hope, dreams and excitement as we awaited our new little arrival. Our hopes began to wane a little last Friday as I began to show early warning signs of losing our baby. At first I thought that maybe with aerobics and VBS and all the other stuff going on last week that I had just overdone it. However, yesterday at the doctor our worst fears were realized. The baby hadn't grown from like 5 weeks and their heart had stopped (or had never started) beating. We were crushed. How do we tell Jake? How do we get through this time.

I don't know how we are to be blessed by this. I did have this repeated thought in my head, "You will help others who experience this type of loss." All the same I kept thinking, "That's nice God, but why do we have to experience this pain?" At the same time there was also this reassurance that there is hope beyond this that new life can occur. But it doesn't help to reduce the bouts of pain and sorrow I feel from time to time.

I look at Jake so differently and feel so blessed to have been blessed with him in our lives. I really realize how lucky we were with him that none of this stuff happened then.

From the time I can remember I have collected angels. Maybe it's because they're beautiful beings that are close to God...I don't know. The picture at the top is one of my favorites which now has a bit of a new meaning to me. My little angel has gone on to be with the angels. And, I believe there is hope beyond the sadness. But for now I'm just holding close to my guys giving thanks to God for allowing me the gift of their presence in my life.